Why I hate your MLM

LADIES! This is not a drill… we are under attack!

Women everywhere are infiltrating your circles at this very moment. They may have a familiar face… and fresh baked snacks..and promises of hot bodies and youthful skin…. DO NOT ENGAGE THEM.

Kidding…sort of. Enter ‘MLM’: multilevel marketing. Moms everywhere have decided to use their ‘mom guilt’ skills to sell their friends complete and utter crap… lets call it what it is. I can see how even the savviest of women fall into the mlm, a lot of us stay at home, we want to make money and friends on the side, be our own boss…

But the thing is … its all exploitation. Exploiting friendships, neighbors, casual aquaintences. I have yet to see an mlm that relies on customers seeking out the products of their own free will. Its parties, facebook messages, being forcefully added to groups on social media (my favorite move). I know I’m not the only one out there that sees this and wants to scream LEAVE ME ALONE at your iPad.

Heres my ‘hall of shame’ … the MLM schemes that force my eyes into the “b**** Please” position:

IT WORKS

In middle school health class we learned about the importance of eating right, getting physical activity daily, treats in moderation, and wrapping our bodies in tin foil….

Wait thats not right is it?

I’m sorry I just can’t with these. When your business plan includes setting up a folding table at the mall, I can’t take you seriously. You are basically a gypsy with tinfoil. Also, If you plan on selling anything to do with fitness and health I expect you to look like Cindy Crawford. I don’t aspire to be a midwest mom, I already am one thank you very much….

Seems legit.

NO baked potato wraps for me.

LIPSENSE

So I’ve been told that this stays on all day. For me thats a big red flag, not something to be celebrated. I barely want to remove my normal makeup at the end of the night. Messing with special lipstick remover to get off my teflon lip color is low on my list of stuff I have time for. Seems like they should be focusing their advertising efforts on the adult film star community.

LULAROE

I am well aware that people love this company. I can’t figure out why. You pay to look like a homeless preschool teacher who got high on Elmers glue?

On the website everyone looks like a long lost Duggar sister with a partial lobotomy. And obviously the lobotomy must be free with purchase…theres no other way to explain women plastering pizza print on their hind quarters.

Exhibit A

Ladies… we have so many options. Better options. Lets all try to keep our crazy hidden from people until they offend us in line at Target. Lets not advertise we are BAT S*** CRAZY and apparently love sheep.

Side note: Mormons- Thought ya’ll were too sensible for this. What happened?

USBORNE BOOKS

I’m so confused about this company. They do know about Barnes and Noble? And Homegoods? And specialty childrens stores? I can go on…

No you may not…

If I’m buying overpriced kids books, I’m gonna do it somewhere that has a loyalty program, points, SOMETHING. Unless you plan on giving me free babysitting for buying books from you… MOVE ALONG.

AHHHH… feels good to let it all out. I’m sure there will be fiery angry mobs at my doorstep any moment, but it was worth it to unload my mom rage. Whats your ‘worst MLM’? I wanna hear about the most awkward confrontation you have had with a ‘momprenuer’. Or the weirdo at work that shoved their Origami Owl party invites down your throat? Vent in the comments and maybe you’ll inspire me to do a part two!

 

Kelsey

You may also like

2 comments

  1. Omg yes!! Thank you so much for this post! I guess I’m not the only one who is fed up with the “lipsense” and “it works” posts!!!!